~withdrawncataclysm

Five months have gone by...New side of the country, new state, new college, new things for the family to gossip about, new friends, new number, eight new piercings, one new tattoo, new ways to make my father cringe.

Has anything actually fucking changed.

I know in my own head, "It's been six months, adapt! ADAPT GODDAMNIT!" but that is precisely my problem...I've never really left my own head this whole time. I'm not really here. I know where I still have been, after these enlightening and still grueling five months, but that would be inappropriate to say. The whole issue of how I'm supposed to feel right now, or even in general, has been plaguing me drastically. I'm hanging by a thread from the moment where I knew who I was, what I actually wanted, who I loved...but now it seems I have no choice but to give in to uncertainty.

But it feels like giving up. I don't want to give up. I don't want to give up on what my mind has been squeaking about for months upon months; I don't want life to have no, "Wow, it was meant to be after all." I can't stand the thought that this hasn't been my intuition, but just obsession. I've come to find that my intuition is almost never wrong, at least when it comes to issues within my own life. It could be that I haven't moved on because I refuse to, not because there's some divine force showing me the way to some objectifiable truth...I want to pull the curtain down to find the true audience staring at me, so the real cast members will get in their places; something that has to do more with emotion than procreation.

I'm not used to being honest.