Today I was looking through the philosophy section of the half-priced books in Redmond, craving an answer. In my many years of being an atheist I've never been an exorable person, so no one has really ever been able to convince me otherwise. But lately being an atheist has come with such a feeling of emptiness, and feels more like a lethargic past time than a stance. I've been trying to fill this void by indulging in my curiosities towards the tarot, superstitions, and palmistry. I don't believe in these things at really any level but when I study them the void seems to lessen, and I am suddenly more okay with the world. I was raised Lutheran throughout my childhood, but having a Jewish mother while being raised christian didn't exactly keep me from thinking religion was a silly thing. My father was always the religious one, but even not being that religious my mother was appalled by the thought that I didn't believe in God. She begged for me to be at least agnostic, so that I would be just questioning and not downright rejecting the idea of there being a God.

So the question remains, is this emptiness me becoming less of an atheist or just becoming more of an open minded person? It takes a pretty intrepid person to outright say, "I don't believe in a higher power" when most of the living population does. But this doesn't mean I should be an atheist out of pride, out of knowing no one can really tell me I was wrong. For some reason it seems easier to tell a religious person they're wrong than an atheist, but truly they're on the same playing field. I'm afraid that I've found some sort of safety in not believing in God, and I hope this is not the sole reason I've catered to this nihilistic part of me for oh so long.